Life in Fibro

 Thanks to taking 3 cocodamol to get through the night (2, then 1 after a neighbour dispute woke and kept us up for two hours, don’t look at me like that!) and my sleeping tablet, it was extremely difficult to wake this morning. It was like...consciousness of what was going on, noises, my dog...without being able to wake - I kept slipping back into the sleep without being able to open my eyes. Until A gently shook my shoulder and talked to me and wakefulness clicked. Pain was minimal on waking, which was nice, but has slowly worsened through the day. Usual pain in hands/shoulder/legs but hardly noticeable - like an ache, compared to usual levels - thanks to the back that feels like it’s the centre of a new nervous system - all humming a new personalised song of pain - and a swollen belly that feels so painfully extended (it’s swollen to its max) that i wonder vaguely if I can explode. Been walking around cradling it like I’m pregnant, haha. And shaped like it. Can’t sit still. The ...

Today started off well. Barring the insane heat! Had a fab weird dream re Doctor Who in the night and woke up once in the night due to pain in both arms from elbow to fingertips with pins and needles. Otherwise good! And longer sleep. Church went well this morning, we were able to listen and think and PB was good. Also thankfully did all the heavy lifting work yesterday so today we got to play with PB in the paddling pool and watch The Chosen this afternoon. Preferred sitting position - at least my legs won’t give out under me like yesterday - had to cook with A while sitting in a chair! (He encouraged me not to but guilt and independence - bad.) Period nominally started yesterday but takes 24 hours to work up to HI PAIN tsunami. Which will last for around 3 days with 5 days of exhaustion. Which is progressively worsening right now. Back, stomach, legs, the works. I want to sit but am forcing movement but will be taking painkillers shortly. Cocodamol ftw. Chicken. Cooking a curry for t...

 It’s such a beautiful day! Blue skies, golden sunshine, occasional fluffy clouds - 👌🏻 Still sleepy today but we woke up early with PB vomiting :( She appears to be better now and hasn’t been since. The sleeping tablets seem to be working really well - the levels are hugely reduced as compared to what they usually are during this time! 2 days to period. ——- Lot of work with the house today! As usual, A did more than me. 😬 Some days, I think my gravestone will read: she muddled through life and survived it. I’m never going to be able to rise above self-doubt and self-sabotage, will always fail the important things, and have an ambition and ego greater than my ability. At least I can see it? 🤔 But then, why not try things and learn on the way? How to stop self-sabotage? Will beat this. Will fight it all! Pain levels included.  ——— Feel like zombie. So much pain. Not sure what’s worse, pain or the guilt and embarrassment going through my head telling me I could do more and A ...

Such a beautiful day outside! Love the sunshine and blue sky. The earth hasn’t started heating up yet so the air is still quite cool. No weird dreams last night I recall, but a heavy exhaustion feeling that’s hanging over - kinda like a hangover. 😋 Still so tired. Pain in standing again with backache. Joints starting to hurt if I stay too long in one place. Skin feels tight - that’ll translate into burning pain in a couple days time.  I’m in the office today so need to hurry to shower, put my face on and dress smart.  —— Head still exhaustion-foggy. Over-sensitivity to pain. Sore joints. On the way to work. ——- Been a stable couple of days. Taking the new sleeping drug has actually helped me sleep more quickly and deeply, resulting in less acute pain and meaning I can function more. Can see why people become reliant! Anxiety levels are still ridiculously high for no reason. Keep having mini panic attacks when I think about doing things which, when it actually gets to doing th...

Woke up in the night without vivid dreams but with a massive irritation in my nose. Woke up with a nosebleed in the morning last time that happened (two days ago) but seems to be ok for now!  Hands are sore - mostly tendons and muscles. Feel stiff and cramped all over, especially shoulders, hands, mid-lower back and legs. Putting feet to the floor was like bursting a thousand little blood vessels.  Time to soldier through another day! If I can keep off the prescribed painkillers until the pain is REALLY bad, that will be fantastic. It’s more tempting now they’re there but a) liver damage and b) ability to function would be impaired. And I need to work. ——- Stomach upset today. The IBS launch is never a good sign, but part - and - parcel of the package. Appetite has been decreasing noticeably, weight continues to gain no matter how little I eat and currently feeling sick following eating breakfast.  ——- Still feeling nauseous but haven’t been drinking properly the last few...

 Been lying here at midnight completely exhausted but with too much on my mind. Thought I was so tired I’d sleep off and hopefully avoid the weird vivid dreams of the last few days with all the tensions and stresses manifesting so clearly and making me stressed out, exhausted and even guilty on waking. But no. Still wide awake. Despite the yawning and tears running out the corners of my eyes and down my face. My hubby is lying next to me with the fan on max. He’s boiling. I’m lying under the quilt shivering. But then my body’s been shutting down all day. but A, PLS STOP MOVING. You’re letting all the cold air in.  So despite the cramps in my hands and aches in my thumbs, which will worsen tomorrow as I deal with another day of typing...why not start a blog sharing the pain and the life with it? It’ll stop me ranting elsewhere, ensure only those who care listen, occupy me until sleep catches up with exhaustion and hopefully, one day, someone will see who can help me on my journ...