July 14, 15 & 16

Such a beautiful day outside! Love the sunshine and blue sky. The earth hasn’t started heating up yet so the air is still quite cool.

No weird dreams last night I recall, but a heavy exhaustion feeling that’s hanging over - kinda like a hangover. 😋 Still so tired. Pain in standing again with backache. Joints starting to hurt if I stay too long in one place.

Skin feels tight - that’ll translate into burning pain in a couple days time. 

I’m in the office today so need to hurry to shower, put my face on and dress smart. 

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Head still exhaustion-foggy. Over-sensitivity to pain. Sore joints. On the way to work.

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Been a stable couple of days. Taking the new sleeping drug has actually helped me sleep more quickly and deeply, resulting in less acute pain and meaning I can function more. Can see why people become reliant!

Anxiety levels are still ridiculously high for no reason. Keep having mini panic attacks when I think about doing things which, when it actually gets to doing them, there’s no need for. Can’t wait for therapy to start so I can learn how to bypass or control my brain/body’s reactions. 

Depression/tearful levels also high. Same as above.

Had some more bad news yesterday - the ADD clinic still don’t know when they’ll start reassessing people, they reckon another 6 months.

So glad the pain levels are down. They really don’t help with the above triggers! 

Working on shedding clothes from my wardrobe today so based on last week, I could hit fog city fairly quickly this week. Hoping and praying it stays away for a while!

3 days to period. Probably a bad time to get rid of clothes but oh well!

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Sorted out two huge bags for charity and two winter clothes, so much more manageable. 

Regardless of the sniffly nose, feel completely drained. Empty? Hard to describe. Can still type. Could probably still walk. Just so drained, feels like everything’s been sucked out. Pain there somewhere distantly. Can hear things but not registering in memory, have work to do but nothing to do it with. Is this lazy or exhausted? Hardly know.

Heads cleared some! Can converse and don’t feel quite as foggy. Still not right.

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Some days I sit for a moment and think it would be so nice to curl up in a ball on the floor and refuse to move ever again. Whatever is in me - it must be God - won’t let me give up. “Some days the world is just too much to take...some days I’m barely hanging by a thread...I just wanna be where You are, close enough to feel Your heart, face to face with You, my Saviour...”