July 12

 Been lying here at midnight completely exhausted but with too much on my mind.

Thought I was so tired I’d sleep off and hopefully avoid the weird vivid dreams of the last few days with all the tensions and stresses manifesting so clearly and making me stressed out, exhausted and even guilty on waking. But no. Still wide awake. Despite the yawning and tears running out the corners of my eyes and down my face.

My hubby is lying next to me with the fan on max. He’s boiling. I’m lying under the quilt shivering. But then my body’s been shutting down all day. but A, PLS STOP MOVING. You’re letting all the cold air in. 

So despite the cramps in my hands and aches in my thumbs, which will worsen tomorrow as I deal with another day of typing...why not start a blog sharing the pain and the life with it? It’ll stop me ranting elsewhere, ensure only those who care listen, occupy me until sleep catches up with exhaustion and hopefully, one day, someone will see who can help me on my journey to healing.

It was my mom’s birthday today/yesterday. I’ve been pushing myself hard the last couple of days with housework and trying to get the stuff sorted with the building work going on. Plus, you know, 6 days to period. I’m cycling downhill to the next pain epicentre. Not sure if it’s worse knowing it’s coming but at least it’s a relief knowing when and that it makes sense why I’m like this. Not that it ALWAYS stops beating myself up mentally for being sick but yknow, it’s a start.

Started off this morning waking up late. Then needed to go to the shop for ingredients missing for her birthday cake - I realised then I was in fibro cycle because if my brain had been in normal mode, I would’ve been able to realise I should’ve cooked the cake yesterday. But no, all I had fixed in my head was Birthday. Today. Must do cake. Cake and birthday = 12th. Makes sense. Not. 🙄

Going around the shop was ok apart from the usual gasping for breath from the bloody asthma and face mask combination. I’d made a list beforehand and checked it against my cupboards - go me! Coming back from the shop was the hard part. There’s a slight but long incline up the park stretch towards home. On a good day, I forget it exists; on a bad day, it’s like someone’s running hot pain strands through my legs and I get ridiculously short of breath. Feels like my legs are being strangled of oxygen and about to collapse on me. Funny, I’m ok with stairs and can haul myself up them at a push, but inclines are bloody murder.

Got home, rushed through the cooking with Mom and Steph’s help 🥰 but realised I couldn’t get it done on time, surprisingly (and thankfully) managed to remember everything and assemble it together (days w I truly see the Hand of God holding me together are days like today when it must be together but I’m aware it’s a power beyond my brain’s capability. Trust me. Fibro makes me so. Stupid.) Had a lovely afternoon, drove out with Mom and Father George to Stourbridge and went round some shops. Was all flat ground so great, and got to treat them to a coffee and cake! Got back to the house, Mom began her evening lecture and I got on with finishing the birthday cake.

Also in the back of my head, I posted something today in support of the boys on the England football team and the Black people who have been getting sickening racial abuse from England’s loss yesterday. A friend posted something less than friendly (and fairly unrelated to the point) which I answered, then left it because, you know, Mom’s birthday took priority over policing FB. Same as most days life gets in the way of answering. And family more important than internet debates. I was aware that the comments section had gone fairly ferocious as I saw a couple of comments but tbh, I a) really loathe arguments, b) was celebrating Mom’s birthday and c) was already exhausted and find these drain me even more. Battling bloody fibro two and a half weeks a month is killing me, ignoring all the other medical crap, family stress and strain, life stuff and depression-to-suicidal-thoughts and anxiety that decides to flood whenever it takes a fancy.

So a comment “why is this person still allowed on this post” hit me just as I was standing in the kitchen, hot, over-strained and stressed with the cake falling to pieces and the kitchen overheated. These are supposed to be my friends, but see a tiny glimpse of my life and are judging me for not picking up comments ON MY MOTHER’S BIRTHDAY. In the middle of a fibro spell where I’m already overstretched on my limits but that’s ok because my mother deserves a happy birthday. The comment could be aimed at the person for still being there and I’m trying to see it any other way and let it go but, barbed shafts. Hurt if they hit wrong, no matter how they were loosed to fly.

Or, yknow, what would normally be a work day for me.

Some days I just think i should leave FB for good. 

So got all of that going on in my head for now. Sure it’s selfish. But forgive me, I have two weeks of pain coming and the tide has already started coming in. It’s hard to do anything but put my head down and hedgehog ball through them. How else can one survive?

Sure, blame me for tokens against racism. I do genuinely care. Right now I’m too tired to do more than sign a petition and make a comment. Blame me. But I don’t have anything left to do more.

Maybe I can sleep now. Or maybe I’ll need to go play a few more rounds of Gardenscapes until I bore myself into unconsciousness. After all, it’s work tomorrow.

-S.